Whuck.

Seriously.  I'm interrupting my happy Christmas trees and Countdown to Christmas to swing into negativity.

This just happened and I'm sure that I'll regret posting this later.  But its my journal.

Its 9:07 a.m.  My appointment with the therapist is at 10 a.m.

Ian told me 10 minutes ago that he doesn't want me to go.  That he thought I was bluffing when I said I wanted to go. 

He said that he thinks I was using therapy as a bargaining chip to get him to agree to have another baby.

What the fuck am I supposed to say to that?   What an ass.   I'm pissed, I'm hurt.  I can't believe I'm married to this man that resents the decisions that I make.  This man that sees me as less than he is.

He's agreed to have another baby.  (In a very adult way, not snarky or shitty)  Now he thinks that I don't need to go to therapy and that I should cancel an hour before.  Never mind that I've had the appointment for 10 days. Never mind that I've been talking about this for a month. Nope, he wants to assert his power and pull the plug this morning. Oh well.  He doesn't get to.

Therapy

I've made a decision to start therapy.  Mostly to deal with the feelings I have about Ian, our family size, the pregnancy/miscarriage.  All of that.

I feel angry, resentful and sad. I have so many emotions and I'm feeling them all at the same time.  Most of the time, I just feel really screwed up. Insane.

Its not pretty.  I don't want to talk about it with friends or family.  I don't want to be such a negative downer. I don't want to be depressing.  I want to be fun and positive and grateful for what I have.

But in truth, I'm really not feeling that way right now.