But wait, there's more...

My last post started as an explanation of why tomorrow is going to be so crappy.  Quickly it became an explanation, a vent, the background information.  It was information that I needed to process better. See full circle.

But wait, there's more.

Ian and I have decided to let my assistant, Christina, go.

There's so much messiness with Christina.  I cannot even begin to describe. Messiness, as it relates to the relationship dynamics between the three of us, as it relates to the drinking and the DUI.  It is mostly because of this messiness, that we have decided that the best decision for our family is to let her go. 

 I hired her because I liked her.  I liked her personality, although she had no experience. I wanted to hire someone that I would look forward to spending time with.   Whoever I hire I'm with 40+ hours a week.  I don't see how it work out to *not* become friends.  But having said that, let's be clear. My boundaries with this relationship are CLEARLY blown. I mean BLOWN.

I'm not a strong enough person to criticize when the employee isn't doing a good enough job.  I'm too nice.  I don't want to rock the boat.  I  thought that I learned with my first employee that I could ask for what I needed and have more clear expectations of what needed to be done.  I do think that I mastered that very well.  For concrete things, like cleaning, or changing diapers.  But I'm not in a place where I can successfully lead someone to better bond with our daycare kids.  To stop playing favorites with your own children.  To deal with the esoteric stuff. The non-concrete stuff.

And as result, I feel like an absolute failure at leading people, managing people, hiring people.  I'm saddened by my seeming inability to choose the right people to work for me. I'm saddened by my lacking skills as a manager. I thought going into this large group daycare situation that I could effectively lead and manage one employee. 

As it turns out, I really can't. So I'm going to let Ian have a shot.  We need to keep the money internal to our family, especially after the DUI.  Add the fact that he'll lose his license to drive.  It just makes sense that if he's going to be here that he might as well be put to work.

We'll see how it goes.  I do know that I'm done pretending to manage and employ people. If after a while Ian and I decide that its not working out to have him working with the daycare, then I'm going to decrease my enrollment and do it alone.  While I'm not ready for the income drop, there is something quite calming about thinking about having only 8 children that I care for.  Very peaceful. Hmm...

...Ian's Um Stuff...

There are many people that read this blog.  Its not private.  Its public.  I think its linked from my facebook. I don't want this story to be out in the open.  I don't want to discuss Ian's court case at the park. Or Mom's Night Out. Or whatever. This feels intensely personal.

So why should I even post it?  Because this is supposed to be for me. I'm supposed to be blogging for therapeutic reasons.  To be able to sort thoughts in my head.  To be able to take one of the hundreds of open boxes in my head... and close them.

Ian's DUI.  Its what I referenced in my "Hi-I'm-Back-Post" as Ian's, um stuff.  I know some that read this blog already know about it. Most probably don't.  I'll start with this:  Its been one hell of a month.

Here's the short story. .. Ian was drinking and driving his dune buggy through Sand Hollow State Park, and he was pulled over by a park ranger.  He was arrested, I bailed him out of jail, he's going through the court process of the DUI. 

And he's completely quit drinking.  We are overhauling our relationship, how we communicate, how we fight, how we parent, how we make decisions for our family. We are having deep conversations about God, spirituality, having a Higher Power and what that means for ourselves, our family, for our kids.

 Ian is dealing with personal issues regarding alcoholism and dependency.  I'm dealing with personal issues about my boundaries, my self-worth, personal power, co-dependent issues. 

There is a lot left to deal with.  Thank God we have the tools from the program to handle all the mess that we've gotten ourselves into.  The only way out is through.

Am I Trustworthy?

The short answer is no.  I'm really not.

I'm reliable.  If I say I'll be somewhere, I'll be there.  Albeit, 10-15 minutes late.  But I show up.

I'm dependable.  If you have a problem, you can depend on me to listen empathetically.

But I'm not really trustworthy.  I was at one point in my journey.  I've definitely stepped off that path.  In honor of comfortability.  I'd rather not rock the boat.

I lie.  I hold back things I want to say.  I censor myself. I have the thoughts, but I don't allow them a voice.  I lie to get myself out of situations.

Want me to babysit?  On a weekday night?  Weekend?  Probably gonna make up some crap rather than tell you that I'm done with other people's kids by the evening and sure as hell by the weekend.  Sure as hell, I'm not going to say... no I need a break.

I want to dismiss a kid from my daycare... did I explain to the mom that it was because of her child's behavior?  Nope, didn't wanna rock the boat.  Lied to her.

I lie to my husband about money.  I'm "trying" to get better, but still get sorta sneaky sometimes.... pedicure anyone?  I hold things back from my husband.  Things I want to say.  Things that bother me.  I lie to my friends.  Sorry, girls... sometimes I deliberately bit my tongue.  Particularly during the drama.  My drama, your drama.  Our drama.  I love you for it, but damn.  I just don't want to rock the boat.

Trustworthy?  Do I trust myself?  That's another conversation I suppose. I struggle with being OK with making decisions.  From small like where to eat dinner... to big like what to major in for college. I don't frequently make decisions by myself.

I'm trustworthy.  I don't hate confrontation.  I'm not a doormat.  I think the holding back is a 180 shift from leaving the program... when I went from giving feedback all.the.time to having it be pretty much generally inappropriate all.the.time.

Am I a liar?  Why do I feel its necessary to lie to my husband about money.  Holy hell, I'm making at least 50% of our income right now.  I should not feel guilty for getting a pedicure right before a close friend has a baby.  (But she's not my Best Friend.... because we don't do that around here. hahaha   Erm.. inside joke.)  I should not feel guilty buying some shirts when my wardrobe is crap. Ugh.  I think I need to look more into this. I think this is more than not wanting to rock the boat.  I think this is worthiness stuff.  Lame-O.

This post doesn't have to be epically long... the point is clear.  No journaling needed.  Change?  Change is needed. I  just need to come to the middle again, to come into my voice, my power.  Consciously.

And I'll stop there before this starts to sound too cheesy.

Self-Limiting Beliefs Part II

All growth is not based on learning. Sometimes, we must un-learn.

When I actually went and read through my seminar homework recently I was surprised to recall that the first belief that I wrote about was "lazy and fat".  This isn't a belief that I would have dealt with in the program, believing it to be too surface and superficial.


So, should I shocked that this belief is present in my life today?  Not really, no.  Why not?  Because that which is not acted upon is not learned. 


I make choices all.the.time to make myself right about this belief.  I make the decision that these words can describe me, choices that make these words somewhat accurate.  At least, that's what my belief asserts.  When I choose to sleep in and not exercise.  When I choose to eat food that I know is unhealthy for my body.  Or when I choose to eat when I'm not hungry.  When I choose to eat to handle stress.  Or sadness.


So the question I guess becomes, now that I cannot deny that these actions, these choices are playing into my limiting beliefs.  Now that I know I'm choosing to be right about this belief, over being happy.  Because I'm not happy with my body.  My size saddens me, often. Obviously, its not enough to wish that I was smaller.  Healthier.  Whatever.  I know that I actually need to choose to change these thoughts, attitudes and beliefs.


The bottom line however has nothing to do with this belief that the choices that I am making about it.  I was gifted a new perspective on this last night.  Last night, I was able to see that the belief that I'm "lazy and fat" is SUPERFICIAL.  The belief that I'm not good enough, that I'm less than everyone else --- that creates a belief such as lazy and fat.  I set out to make myself bigger than my peers because that is a concrete result to prove that I'm not good enough. As a concrete way to say "See?????, they are better than me"


Taking a step back, I know that I'm "good enough". And as a side note, I really intend to find a more accurate way of saying "good enough", because I don't its just doesn't actually articulate the energy and emotion.  Anyway... I know that I'm "good enough" in my mind, body and soul.  I however, haven't applied that knowledge, love and respect for myself to my body/weight/eating issues before.  Rudimentary, perhaps... but the truth nonetheless. 


So... this should be easy peasy.  Starting from now. My eating, health, sleep and exercise decisions come from a place of love for myself. Patterns and habits may take time to change, but the immediate change is the love behind them.  My body is amazing.  I may not like its shape.  But its mine for life.  Its given two beautiful children life, nourishment and love. Beyond that, its my vehicle for life. I deserve to be treated with love and respect.  I deserve to treat myself with love and respect. 

Self-Limiting Beliefs

“The mind can assert anything an pretend it has proved it. “ ~ DH Lawrence

I pulled out my seminar binder this afternoon.  In the past, this hasn't always been a great choice.  I tend to sponge up all the negative emotion that I released through the course of my seminars. Typically not a healthy endeavor.

But today, I set out to read through the information about self limiting beliefs.  A refresher, if you will.  The common denominator to low self esteem.  Am I a person with low self esteem?  Well, generally I would say no.  But I have to look at my results.  I don't treat myself with very much respect.  I feed my body way too much sugar, I don't get enough exercise, I don't get enough sleep.  I put practically everyone else's needs before my own.  I'm very quick to say yes... and that gets to be a problem occasionally.  I live in a stressed out, chaotic sort of place most of the time.

I realize that some of this is hazards of my job.... I can't expect my environment to be peaceful and calm all day long. That doesn't mean however that I have let myself sink into a the chaotic craziness of 8+ children.  I'm here to be their guide, not they mine. 

In reading from my seminar homework from my Discovery seminar in September 1996, I'm noticing very interesting things.

What's interesting about reading this ancient journal entry/homework assignment from Discovery is how these beliefs are prevalent in my life RIGHT NOW.  14 years later, I'm still dealing with my self-limiting belief about being lazy and fat, about being trustworthy, about not being lovable.  I don't think I would actually say that I'm not lovable, but I would say that the belief that comes up for me there is that I'm not good enough... or I'm less important that "you". But the wording and the language doesn't matter as much as the emotion and the energy behind it.

At first this journal entry was getting way too long... so I decided to break it up quite a bit. I found some really great journaling prompts about self-limiting beliefs online. I'm going to take each belief that comes up currently and journal about it separately. Otherwise, this will turn into a book.

Teen Escort

It was a hot night in August when Teen Escort arrived at my house.  3 a.m.... or some other ungodly hour.  When those that are awake, are generally up to no good.

I was awake.  I was waiting for my friend to steal her parents car and come get me.  When the escort's car drove down the street, I shut my bedroom light off and looked outside.  I didn't see a car driving.  Hmm... oh well.  What I didn't know at the time? They already knew where I lived, they saw the light on, then go off and they parked on the street.

I gave up.  My friend clearly wasn't coming.  I got into bed.  Fifteen minutes later my Mom knocks on my door and tells me to get out of bed. Two men and a woman walk into my room.  I don't know why... to supervise?  I'm not sure. I get up, put on my pants.  The woman tells me that I'm going with her. I start to follow her downstairs. My mom and step-dad are at the bottom of the stairs waiting with the two men.  Did I mention they were huge?

The woman tells me to say good-bye. I start crying.  These people are taking me to foster care.  I knew I had pushed my mom away, I assumed she's had enough. I don't even  remember saying good-bye.  I don't remember giving her a hug.  Did I?  Did I scowl at her?  I don't know.

I accept my consequences. I get into the car. We start driving.  The woman and one of the men are in the back seat with me.  They ask where I think I'm going.  I'm going to foster care, right?  But "I don't know" is what I say.   The woman explained that I was being escorted to a facility in Utah.  At this facility I would be able to do loads of super fun things once I earned the privilege.  Sounds OK.

I started to relax, probably slept a little.  I think we flew from Denver to Las Vegas and drove up to St. George.  I have no real memory of this.

On August 7, 2006 I was admitted into Brightway Adolescent Hospital.  I was drug tested, pregnancy tested.  I was tested for STD's.  I was given several psychological tests, seen by two or three different psychologists and a psychiatrist. I was deloused. I think I must have gained 10 pounds. By the end of my short month long stay, several pairs of my pants did not fit.

Finally, September 2, 1996 I was driven to LaVerkin, UT (in the middle of the night, again!).  The next morning, I joined BR group; a group of sixteen or so girls.  We did everything together, went to school, ate meals, PE, and group therapy.  I didn't have one on one therapy... that wasn't part of my program for some time.

So. There is part of my story.  The beginning.  How my journey started inside Cross Creek. I mean, I guess I could say that it really started when I started my self-destructive past.  I might go back and journal about that, but I'm just trying to get these memories out "on paper"... perhaps out of my head.  I don't know.  I'm working on a much longer entry that I'm trying to deal with some self limiting beliefs. This is just the beginning.

Come Back

I finished reading Come Back: A Mother & Daughter's Journal Through Hell and Back.  I experienced so many emotions reading this book, its hard to know where to start.

I have a long list of topics that I'll likely be working through.  These experiences are such a huge part of who I am today.  Most of my current friends cannot even imagine why I would need to go through such an experience.  Maybe I should write a little more about who I was at 15.  It wasn't pretty, I can sure tell you that.  But, it was 13 years ago.

At any rate, I will be writing more about these experiences.  These feelings that I have coming up after reading this book. I've been disconnected from this part of me for a long time.  While I would not say that I'm unhappy in my life... I would say that my life is hard right now.  I used to believe that I was in charge of my life.  I'm not sure that I still do believe that.  Its part of why reading this book shook me up.  These two women have accountability for their lives, how they are working, how they are turning out for them.  I'm jealous.  Stupidly.  Because all I have to do to get that accountability, is to take it for myself.  There are several topics that I need to come to terms with. Stay tuned friends.... you'll likely learn more about Vanessa than you thought possible.

High School

I've got a problem. I'm addicted to Facebook. I know, I'm behind the curve here. But I'm still addicted. I'm connecting with high school friends and I find myself considering attending my high school reunion. Ten years... this summer. How did I get to be so old?

I mean seriously though, I'm not really the type of person that would attend their high school reunion. Really. And if you know me, and you know about my tumultuous teenage years... its not that hard to figure out why I am not really attending my high school reunion.

Its not that I don't like the people that I went to high school with, because I do. I remember them with kindness. Those that I graduated with, I went to school with for five or six years, less that eventful 16 months that I wasn't in public school.

No, its not that I don't like them... its that I am fairly certain that they don't like me. And really, we are talking about nice people here. (Absolutely nice, not sarcastically nice) Why would they remember me with anything but um, distrust? I don't know. But I wasn't a nice person in high school.

I just wasn't. I wish that I was. I wish that I actually participated in healthy high school activities. My best friend in 7th grade, you know before everything went down hill, ended up a high school cheerleader. I could have been a cheerleader. I could have been a lot of different things, I guess.

Although, even though times are hard now, I do look back on my time after high school with extreme gratitude. I know I would not be where I am today if I had experienced a "normal" high school career. High school just feels like someone else's life. I'm so far removed from all of those experiences that I've forgotten people's names, people I thought I would remember forever. Oh well. Life has moved on. That is definitely a good thing?