Am I Trustworthy?

The short answer is no.  I'm really not.

I'm reliable.  If I say I'll be somewhere, I'll be there.  Albeit, 10-15 minutes late.  But I show up.

I'm dependable.  If you have a problem, you can depend on me to listen empathetically.

But I'm not really trustworthy.  I was at one point in my journey.  I've definitely stepped off that path.  In honor of comfortability.  I'd rather not rock the boat.

I lie.  I hold back things I want to say.  I censor myself. I have the thoughts, but I don't allow them a voice.  I lie to get myself out of situations.

Want me to babysit?  On a weekday night?  Weekend?  Probably gonna make up some crap rather than tell you that I'm done with other people's kids by the evening and sure as hell by the weekend.  Sure as hell, I'm not going to say... no I need a break.

I want to dismiss a kid from my daycare... did I explain to the mom that it was because of her child's behavior?  Nope, didn't wanna rock the boat.  Lied to her.

I lie to my husband about money.  I'm "trying" to get better, but still get sorta sneaky sometimes.... pedicure anyone?  I hold things back from my husband.  Things I want to say.  Things that bother me.  I lie to my friends.  Sorry, girls... sometimes I deliberately bit my tongue.  Particularly during the drama.  My drama, your drama.  Our drama.  I love you for it, but damn.  I just don't want to rock the boat.

Trustworthy?  Do I trust myself?  That's another conversation I suppose. I struggle with being OK with making decisions.  From small like where to eat dinner... to big like what to major in for college. I don't frequently make decisions by myself.

I'm trustworthy.  I don't hate confrontation.  I'm not a doormat.  I think the holding back is a 180 shift from leaving the program... when I went from giving feedback all.the.time to having it be pretty much generally inappropriate all.the.time.

Am I a liar?  Why do I feel its necessary to lie to my husband about money.  Holy hell, I'm making at least 50% of our income right now.  I should not feel guilty for getting a pedicure right before a close friend has a baby.  (But she's not my Best Friend.... because we don't do that around here. hahaha   Erm.. inside joke.)  I should not feel guilty buying some shirts when my wardrobe is crap. Ugh.  I think I need to look more into this. I think this is more than not wanting to rock the boat.  I think this is worthiness stuff.  Lame-O.

This post doesn't have to be epically long... the point is clear.  No journaling needed.  Change?  Change is needed. I  just need to come to the middle again, to come into my voice, my power.  Consciously.

And I'll stop there before this starts to sound too cheesy.

Self-Limiting Beliefs Part II

All growth is not based on learning. Sometimes, we must un-learn.

When I actually went and read through my seminar homework recently I was surprised to recall that the first belief that I wrote about was "lazy and fat".  This isn't a belief that I would have dealt with in the program, believing it to be too surface and superficial.


So, should I shocked that this belief is present in my life today?  Not really, no.  Why not?  Because that which is not acted upon is not learned. 


I make choices all.the.time to make myself right about this belief.  I make the decision that these words can describe me, choices that make these words somewhat accurate.  At least, that's what my belief asserts.  When I choose to sleep in and not exercise.  When I choose to eat food that I know is unhealthy for my body.  Or when I choose to eat when I'm not hungry.  When I choose to eat to handle stress.  Or sadness.


So the question I guess becomes, now that I cannot deny that these actions, these choices are playing into my limiting beliefs.  Now that I know I'm choosing to be right about this belief, over being happy.  Because I'm not happy with my body.  My size saddens me, often. Obviously, its not enough to wish that I was smaller.  Healthier.  Whatever.  I know that I actually need to choose to change these thoughts, attitudes and beliefs.


The bottom line however has nothing to do with this belief that the choices that I am making about it.  I was gifted a new perspective on this last night.  Last night, I was able to see that the belief that I'm "lazy and fat" is SUPERFICIAL.  The belief that I'm not good enough, that I'm less than everyone else --- that creates a belief such as lazy and fat.  I set out to make myself bigger than my peers because that is a concrete result to prove that I'm not good enough. As a concrete way to say "See?????, they are better than me"


Taking a step back, I know that I'm "good enough". And as a side note, I really intend to find a more accurate way of saying "good enough", because I don't its just doesn't actually articulate the energy and emotion.  Anyway... I know that I'm "good enough" in my mind, body and soul.  I however, haven't applied that knowledge, love and respect for myself to my body/weight/eating issues before.  Rudimentary, perhaps... but the truth nonetheless. 


So... this should be easy peasy.  Starting from now. My eating, health, sleep and exercise decisions come from a place of love for myself. Patterns and habits may take time to change, but the immediate change is the love behind them.  My body is amazing.  I may not like its shape.  But its mine for life.  Its given two beautiful children life, nourishment and love. Beyond that, its my vehicle for life. I deserve to be treated with love and respect.  I deserve to treat myself with love and respect. 

Self-Limiting Beliefs

“The mind can assert anything an pretend it has proved it. “ ~ DH Lawrence

I pulled out my seminar binder this afternoon.  In the past, this hasn't always been a great choice.  I tend to sponge up all the negative emotion that I released through the course of my seminars. Typically not a healthy endeavor.

But today, I set out to read through the information about self limiting beliefs.  A refresher, if you will.  The common denominator to low self esteem.  Am I a person with low self esteem?  Well, generally I would say no.  But I have to look at my results.  I don't treat myself with very much respect.  I feed my body way too much sugar, I don't get enough exercise, I don't get enough sleep.  I put practically everyone else's needs before my own.  I'm very quick to say yes... and that gets to be a problem occasionally.  I live in a stressed out, chaotic sort of place most of the time.

I realize that some of this is hazards of my job.... I can't expect my environment to be peaceful and calm all day long. That doesn't mean however that I have let myself sink into a the chaotic craziness of 8+ children.  I'm here to be their guide, not they mine. 

In reading from my seminar homework from my Discovery seminar in September 1996, I'm noticing very interesting things.

What's interesting about reading this ancient journal entry/homework assignment from Discovery is how these beliefs are prevalent in my life RIGHT NOW.  14 years later, I'm still dealing with my self-limiting belief about being lazy and fat, about being trustworthy, about not being lovable.  I don't think I would actually say that I'm not lovable, but I would say that the belief that comes up for me there is that I'm not good enough... or I'm less important that "you". But the wording and the language doesn't matter as much as the emotion and the energy behind it.

At first this journal entry was getting way too long... so I decided to break it up quite a bit. I found some really great journaling prompts about self-limiting beliefs online. I'm going to take each belief that comes up currently and journal about it separately. Otherwise, this will turn into a book.