Struggling

I'm struggling, I'll admit. I feel like I have so many balls in the air and they are all sort of coming down at the same time.

I'm not really holding it together as well as I'd like to be. Statistics is going fine, but I'm way behind in Human Development. Way behind. Like I haven't listened to a single lecture. Um, yeah. Not a single one. I completely missed the first test because I forgot to pay and I haven't gotten into any of the lectures. Its bordering on pathetic.

I had a somewhat large project due yesterday for statistics, and I barely finished it. Between two computers not functioning correctly and my procrastination, it was overwhelming stressful. Thankfully I have good friends, one who let me borrow her computer.

While stressing about my assignment, Emma was bugging and I lost it. Totally yelled at my sweet three year old for asking repeatedly for a sucker. It was the low point in my day.

Oh yeah, also I'm not pregnant, cycle 3 down. So aunt flow is on her way, making everything seem worse than it really is. Its some kind of psychic curse that you get PMS at the same time as a stark white negative pregnancy test.

The second guessing of all the things that could be wrong with my body. My cycles are irregular maybe I have PCOS. I have bad PMS, maybe I have low progesterone. Its in. These moments that I loose trust in my body's ability to function. Not permanently, just for a minute.

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2011 Resolutions & Goals

Marriage – Strengthen our marriage and work to meet each others needs

Create and follow the "3 day rule"

Family – Connect on a regular basis with those that I love

Call Al monthly

Send photo cards regularly: 

This has been in my resolutions for about 2 years and I've never done it.  Maybe 2011 is my year.  

Valentine's Day

April/Spring

4^th of July

Halloween

Christmas

Health – Take care of myself and my body

Get More Sleep

Water

Eat Cleanly

Exercise Regularly

Personal Finance – Live like no one else, so we can live like no one else.

Purchase Family Vehicle (a.k.a. stop driving the 12 passenger van)

Move into a larger house

Education & Training – Graduate soon... start moving towards a fulfilling career

Complete Required Math Credit

Complete 4 Elective/Degree Classes for Psychology

Personal Growth & Interest – Expand horizons, learn about new things

Read 6 Non-Fiction Books in 2011

Read 6 Classic Books in 2011

Journal 3/weekly

Recreation & Leisure - Enjoy myself more often

Book Club monthly

Mom's Night Out monthly

Sew through all the fabric I have (buy per project after)

Career – Create a fun, educational, loving environment for daycare

Continue schedule with activities

Create a group of kids that it workable for long term (less kids, basically)

Create routines that allow kid help & responsibility

Trial "Inspections" once/month

Home - Create an organized, easy to clean environment

Go through my house, one room at a time and revamp

***DISCLAIMER*** Most of my resolutions for 2011 are an extension of 2010.  Some because I didn't succeed in 2010, some because I just want to continue what I've started.  I realize this and I'm actually content knowing that what was important to me last year is important to me this year. 

On Death and Dying

I recently read an article about children and their reaction to death and dying.  The little boy in the article, Sam had a beautiful way of dealing with his grandfather's illness and death.  It was a wonderfully written article that can be read here.


I've always thought that children know more about life and death than adults do.  Technically, I suppose they are closer to life as they were born quite a bit more recently than adults. Maybe they do hold knowledge that adults have forgotten.  Perhaps the truth of life is held by children.  Adults could learn volumes by watching children process information – without all of the filters that we've adopted over our life experience.

 Each of us hold our own beliefs about heaven and the afterlife.  But no one alive truly, logically knows.  We each have faith as to what we believe may be.  Some people believe in a heaven in the sky, the pearly white gates.  Some people believe in reincarnation.  Some people believe there is nothing after death, that we simply no longer exist.  I'm sure that there are many other widely held beliefs that I'm leaving out.  But the point is that each belief is different from the next.   And each belief creates our living map of our world; what we choose to believe about life after death affects how we live our life.

This little boy, in the article, held the theory that when loved ones die that we are not actually separated from them.  He chose to believe that our loved one's speak to us after death, if we are truly listening.  He chose to stay with his grandfather through his illness, when adults and others couldn't.  He didn't choose to withdrawal from Pa.  I think that because he believed that even after death, that Pa wouldn't leave him he was able to continue to love without limits.

What if, as adults, we loved without limits?

Power and Control

I don't think of myself as an angry or controlling person. Most of the time, people tell me that I seem calm. Which is interesting because what I have found lately is that have been acting in anger more often than I'd like to admit.

The problem lies in that I'm trying to control someone else while simultaneously losing control over myself. A completely hypocritical behavior.

Then there is the feeling of being overwhelmed.  Yep, its coming up again as detrimental. When I'm overwhelmed by my responsibilities, I lose my temper.  And unfortunately, I feel overwhelmed a lot.

I need to step back when I start to get overwhelmed and prioritize. If I can prevent myself from getting so overwhelmed, then I can prevent some of my anger and control issues.

Its a matter of feeling and handling emotions as a responsible, healthy adult. When I lose my cool, my boundaries, my calm and act out of old patterns and anger it doesn't benefit anyone. It doesn't even make me feel any better.

My new mantra:  We already have all the resources we need.

Advertising & Women

What are your thoughts?




Here are mine:


I get that ads affect our thinking, at least I get intellectually.  But I can't swallow all the points in Killing Us Softly. I just want to argue with the woman.

    One of her main points is that ads tell women that we must be flawless.  That to have worth, we must look like the perfect female form.  Kilbourne theorizes that this objectifies women because the ads actually turn women into objects.  And that those ads, transfer into how we think of ourselves and how others/men think of us. It creates low self-esteem and creates a “climate in which there is wide spread violence against women”.  Turning a human being into an object is the first step in violence.  

   But didn't we have violence against women far far far before we had print ads?  Didn't Constantine the Great burn his wife alive when she served no use to him? How can we say that advertising causes women to be objectified?  I just don't get it.  Its like the chicken before the egg argument. Did the media objectify women and has that caused violence against women?  Or the the objectification of women create the current climate of advertising? 

Change vs Growth

Change is certain.  Growth is optional.

And with the changes in my life,  I'm growing.  Sometimes a little bit reluctantly.  But I'm growing. 

Its been such a trip working with my husband again. Except this time, there is no boss.  Its just us.   I'm learning and growing and stretching beyond my comfort.  Its good.  Its also pretty exhausting.  learning to make clear requests of him, plan out my day, actually think about what I want to do with my daycare time.  He's asking me to rethink my policies and to communicate my thoughts on the purpose behind some of them.  He's asking me to think about what I do and why I do it. 

We're getting super serious with the licensing rules.  Even more serious than I was before.  You know, when I was letting a couple 4-5 year old boy pretend to race potato sacks in trash bags.  In the presence of toddlers.  More serious than that. 

I would have said weeks ago that I communicate clearly.  That I'm not passive aggressive. That I don't have a problem asking for what I need or want.  That I can fairly easily articulate my emotions.

I'm not sure I would have a good leg to stand on trying to argue those same beliefs now.  I'm learning that I am quite passive aggressive. I want Ian to intuit what I want.  I'm not very good at figuring out what I want, articulating what that means and asking for it.  But I'm learning, I'm getting better.  Thinking about these things, reflecting on these things -- it makes me feel like a stronger, capable and more independent woman.  Only good can come from that, right?

And to my 3 or so readers, please don't take this to mean that I'm not happy working with my husband.  Because I am.  And our work life and home life are not horrible by any means.

Its just that the stress of caring for 12 extra children tend to put normal life under a HUGE microscope.  Who would have thought?

Monday

We got through the day.  Barely.

I say barely because I was a beast today.  Super cranky, sensitive and severely lacking in the patience department.

Not great for our first day.  I suck.

I could blame Aunt Flow, and that'd be accurate - but unaccountable.

I'm going to bed early.  Hoping that more sleep makes AF an easier beast to tame.

Ready or Relate

In my Family Relationships class we were asked to fill out a survey to test how well we related to our partners. We received back pages and pages of results which we were then asked to reflect on and write about.  


I thought it would be interesting to post my results, which you can find here. (Should open a google document, its LONG, about 40ish pages)


And my thoughts, although edited for length. 

 

The first graph “Kindness and Flexibility” showed that we are out of alignment on how we see ourselves and each other.  I realized that I often overlook my husband's consideration of me. I don't often give him the benefit of the doubt when he makes decisions that I wouldn't agree with. I sometimes assume that his decisions are selfish, instead of giving him the same consideration that I'm after – and actually stopping, looking and seeing that he's being considerate of me. And in the end, not only does that make me somewhat bitter, but I'm also being inconsiderate of him. 

The report categorized us as a volatile/volatile couple.  This is fairly accurate. The advice given is to not let our emotional arguments overwhelm the relationship. In times of stress, its easy for me to let our arguments overshadow all the positive interactions that we have. We both have to make a conscious effort not to argue unnecessarily or allow grudges to color our feelings for days or weeks after our arguments.  

Although we rated a different challenge, we both perceive 10 strengths and 1 challenge. We discussed our differences in answers about what the challenge actually was. My husband rated “partner alcohol use” and I rated “desire for partner to change”. Alcohol use is currently a topic that we are discussing a lot in our home, as my husband just made the decision to stop drinking. When we discussed why he rated that as a problem, he said that he was communicating his interpretation that I have a problem with his drinking. I didn't rate that as a problem because he has been sober. However I rated “desire for partner to change” because of my feelings about his drinking. Its not the actual alcohol consumption, its the choices, behaviors and attitudes that he displays that I have a problem with. 

In the summary graphs I noticed something that really struck me. We both have the same strengths and challenges, however I consistently rated myself lower than my husband rated himself. I realized that throughout the survey and in our relationship I see myself as lesser than I really am. I think that it boils down to my lack of trust in myself. I often displace that mistrust onto my partner, but its really about me. Its about my lack of trust that I have the ability to deal with anything that life brings. I see this show up in worrying about large events, like death of a parent, adultery, etc. 

But it also shows up in everyday stresses, just getting everything done that I need to get done in a day. I have a lack of trust in myself and that brings up feelings of being overwhelmed on a regular basis. While I realize that I need to give myself more of a break because I do have a lot going on in my life right now. I'm the one that signed up for all the things that I have going. I'm in charge of where I spend my time. I think that realizing, noticing and acting on that is a very important concept in juggling my daily stress. 

Overall, I enjoyed the experience of taking the survey, talking about it with my husband and having some time to process and investigate the findings. I am overall very happy in my marriage, despite the small amount of passionate arguing that we do. Its easy to get caught up in our common-place-not-really-even-about-something-arguments. It was very illuminating to take a step beyond that and look at some of our challenges. It was also rewarding to see where we are strong, which was with most of the findings.

But wait, there's more...

My last post started as an explanation of why tomorrow is going to be so crappy.  Quickly it became an explanation, a vent, the background information.  It was information that I needed to process better. See full circle.

But wait, there's more.

Ian and I have decided to let my assistant, Christina, go.

There's so much messiness with Christina.  I cannot even begin to describe. Messiness, as it relates to the relationship dynamics between the three of us, as it relates to the drinking and the DUI.  It is mostly because of this messiness, that we have decided that the best decision for our family is to let her go. 

 I hired her because I liked her.  I liked her personality, although she had no experience. I wanted to hire someone that I would look forward to spending time with.   Whoever I hire I'm with 40+ hours a week.  I don't see how it work out to *not* become friends.  But having said that, let's be clear. My boundaries with this relationship are CLEARLY blown. I mean BLOWN.

I'm not a strong enough person to criticize when the employee isn't doing a good enough job.  I'm too nice.  I don't want to rock the boat.  I  thought that I learned with my first employee that I could ask for what I needed and have more clear expectations of what needed to be done.  I do think that I mastered that very well.  For concrete things, like cleaning, or changing diapers.  But I'm not in a place where I can successfully lead someone to better bond with our daycare kids.  To stop playing favorites with your own children.  To deal with the esoteric stuff. The non-concrete stuff.

And as result, I feel like an absolute failure at leading people, managing people, hiring people.  I'm saddened by my seeming inability to choose the right people to work for me. I'm saddened by my lacking skills as a manager. I thought going into this large group daycare situation that I could effectively lead and manage one employee. 

As it turns out, I really can't. So I'm going to let Ian have a shot.  We need to keep the money internal to our family, especially after the DUI.  Add the fact that he'll lose his license to drive.  It just makes sense that if he's going to be here that he might as well be put to work.

We'll see how it goes.  I do know that I'm done pretending to manage and employ people. If after a while Ian and I decide that its not working out to have him working with the daycare, then I'm going to decrease my enrollment and do it alone.  While I'm not ready for the income drop, there is something quite calming about thinking about having only 8 children that I care for.  Very peaceful. Hmm...

...Ian's Um Stuff...

There are many people that read this blog.  Its not private.  Its public.  I think its linked from my facebook. I don't want this story to be out in the open.  I don't want to discuss Ian's court case at the park. Or Mom's Night Out. Or whatever. This feels intensely personal.

So why should I even post it?  Because this is supposed to be for me. I'm supposed to be blogging for therapeutic reasons.  To be able to sort thoughts in my head.  To be able to take one of the hundreds of open boxes in my head... and close them.

Ian's DUI.  Its what I referenced in my "Hi-I'm-Back-Post" as Ian's, um stuff.  I know some that read this blog already know about it. Most probably don't.  I'll start with this:  Its been one hell of a month.

Here's the short story. .. Ian was drinking and driving his dune buggy through Sand Hollow State Park, and he was pulled over by a park ranger.  He was arrested, I bailed him out of jail, he's going through the court process of the DUI. 

And he's completely quit drinking.  We are overhauling our relationship, how we communicate, how we fight, how we parent, how we make decisions for our family. We are having deep conversations about God, spirituality, having a Higher Power and what that means for ourselves, our family, for our kids.

 Ian is dealing with personal issues regarding alcoholism and dependency.  I'm dealing with personal issues about my boundaries, my self-worth, personal power, co-dependent issues. 

There is a lot left to deal with.  Thank God we have the tools from the program to handle all the mess that we've gotten ourselves into.  The only way out is through.

To the Moon...

I'm going through older pictures, spending a lot of time realizing how much Emma has grown up in the last year.

Then I ran across this picture of Ethan.  It stopped my breath.  I loved this picture.  I still do.  Its likely one of my very favorite pictures of my son. I don't even have words to express how much I love this kid. I suppose I'll take a page from one of our favorite books.  I love you, Ethan.  All the way to the moon. 

And back.

Change vs. Comfortability

I read this quote a few days ago on facebook.

Nothing can change when you are comfortable because comfort implies familiarity and the absence of change! But, when did anyone say that uncomfortable = unpleasant? Being willing to stretch beyond what is familiar to us to have something extraordinary could be called uncomfortable or it could be WILDLY EXCITING and ABOUT TIME!!

I thought it was well timed for me.  (As many of these quotes often are from this fanpage.) Its well timed because I read it as I was preparing myself for another round of WW.  I have a lot of self doubt rolling through my head over the last two days.  Before I start I'm always weighed down by thoughts of how hard its going to be, and how much work its going to be.  I question whether its worth the time and effort.   

This has got to be the 678,498,203th time that I've started WW, or something similar.  I'm sure many would argue that is the first indication that it doesn't work.  And maybe they're correct, its a possibility.  

But what I do know and know for certain - is that its worth taking that risk.  This time I'm focusing one day at a time and realizing that I can't change without being uncomfortable. This time I'm taking a risk.  I'm putting out the energy to create lasting change; not just physically but mentally, emotionally and spiritually as well.  

Public vs Private.... Or I blog for me.

I've been struggling to blog honestly since I went public.  (I'd been blogging at another site completely anonymously)  I'm still not sure why I made the decision to import that blog into this one and start blogging again normally.  Really, my blog isn't meant to be cute, or witty, or what not.  Its truly my journal.  My "web log" of my life.  I'm still not exactly excited that my close friends plus a few "strangers" read on a regular basis.

Nevertheless my plan is to continue on publicly... pretending that I'm still anonymous.  I can journal my thoughts. I can journal my feelings without stress or concern with judgment.   I can do this because I choose my reality.

After some soul searching about this I've decided that if my few readers don't like what I say, that they can always unsubscribe.  I don't blog for you, I blog for me.  I'm horrible at written journals. I lose interest.  I lose my pen.  I lose my note bad.  I have been blogging for nearly 18 months.  My blog has seen a lot of changes, starting first as a business/crafting blog.  But when I find myself wanting to journal more. ... to sort through things... to record my progress, choices, life... I seem to gravitate back.  And after this weekend, I'm definitely feeling an intense need to sort.

So sort, I will.

Working things out

This morning, I learned that April might be quitting.  After two short short weeks, she's talking to another company about doing their accounting.  I guess we'll see what comes of it.  There are a lot of questions I guess on her end that she's working out.

Well, I'll just have to see how it goes.  Ian's upset.  I'm not really.  I just can't find it in me.  I'm not happy with the situation, but at the same time - eh, its her decision.  I've learned a lot over the past month as an employer.  Mostly due to the situation, and I'm grateful to have learned what I have.  I know now that I wouldn't have thrived with Veronica working here.  I think I (and the daycare) would have thrived with April, yes I do.  But at this point, its just not lucratrive enough to pay her anymore.  She's already making the same per hour that I am.  She works 30 hours a week, and I work 60 hours a week, but we are both making under $8 an hour.

That really sucks, you know?

So if she sticks around... its going to be fast forward to taking on more full time kids.   If she doesn't... I'm not hiring someone to replace her.  I'm going to hire someone to relieve me 10 hours a week.  Max 10 hours.  To take the bigger kids to the park/McD... and to do paperwork, grocery shop and maybe have lunch with Ian.  We'll see about that, I guess.

There is still more to play out, on all fronts.

I've been struggling with not loosing weight. I didn't lose at all this week.  I even gained a bit.  I'm really really struggling.  I feel like I'm doing the best I can.  But I'm not loosing, so I must not really be.  It can't be NORMAL for my body to want to stay weighing 200 pounds.  It just CAN'T.

Eh

Its early.  I went to bed sort of late last night.  Eh.  I'm stuffy and not doing that great.

My eating... not so great so far this week.  I am temporarily up on the scale (bummer).  I haven't been exercising.  I haven't done yoga for at least 10 days, and I'm really missing it.  I need to get crackin' and get it done tomorrow morning.  Or maybe I'll step out of my comfort zone and exercise tonight.  Probably not though because Grey's is on.  Lame, I know.

But even though tomorrow is an earlier morning, I think I'll be OK.  I'll go to bed right after my TV shows and I'll get up at 6 a.m. In bed at 10 p.m., up at 6 a.m.  I want this to be my new schedule.  :)  I'm going to be working hard on that the next few weeks.

Things with April are working out pretty well I think.  I wish I could pay her more, I know they are really really struggling.  Tuesday I went to McD to have lunch with my friends and she stayed and kept the babies.  That was freaking awesome.  She worked hard while she was gone, but I think it worked out really well for both of us.

Today should be interesting.  Janet is coming over... pretty much right now.  She's going to hang out for a while, then leaving her three youngest.  We are going to have a full full full day.  Should be very interesting.

Struggling Tonight

I am just having the hardest time!  I feel such anxiety and frustration.  I really need to talk it out, Ian keeps telling me that I'm making something out of nothing.  That I just need to man up and act like nothing happened.  But I don't feel like that, and thus - I'm struggling.

I *want* to go to McD tomorrow.  However, not only do I think I'm not really welcome with all my kids... but I think its rude to go because of Veronica.  Which pisses me off to NO END.  Because I'm the hippie one - she's NOT and I'm the one that introduced her.  If anyone stays home, UGH.  But do I expect her to stay home on my account?  No, of course not.

I need some girl time... but I also don't really want to bring April.  I'm so freaking lame.  I can't just leave April home with all the babies, that would be beyond lame.  Don't ya think?  Lame, lame, lame, lame!

And I would most likely have to pay for everyone's lunch.  I am not sure I can afford to do that.  Maybe if I brought my own apples and milk or something... then it would be french fries and a $1 hamburger or something.

I don't know.  It would be uncomfortable and I'm not sure I would have a good time anyway.  I mean its 4 babies plus 5 kids to McD.  I don't know how I expect to have any conversation anyway.

No introduction needed...

Today was a hard day.  Fridays are typically hard days for me.  They are extra long (I have daycare arrivals an hour earlier and kids that stay two hours later).  I'm usually spent from the week.  My patience is thin.  My kids' patience is thin.  The babies... well they just seem to pick up on that.  Today, adding to that -- Aunt Flow.  (And she's gained TONS of weight since her sister Mrs. IUD left)  Lame, I know.  But its likely 75% of why my day was so terrible.

Daycare.  Blah.  I need more clients.  Seriously, if I'm carrying us.  If I'm putting out all of this work, I'd like to get paid a bit more. Secondly, its all basically the same amount of work at this point.  Adding extra kids, beside the noise is basically the same amount of work as I do now.  Right?  You have to agree with me here, or tonight, I'll going a wee bit crazy.

Daycare.  Running a daycare.  I'm not sure I'm doing a fantastic job.  I'm spent by Friday.  Friday's generally suck.  I don't do much activity because I just want to be left alone.  Seriously.  But, I suppose that's easily changed.  I really need to figure out a way to have more energy on Fridays.  Well, everyday, but particularly Fridays.

Ian thinks I should write a book about my adventures starting a daycare. I'm not sure I'd want my name all over something that would contain my true thoughts about some of these kids.  (You know, the genital warts on the back of a baby's head) But perhaps writing about what I'm doing, what I'm thinking about would be of help to me.

Other news... non-daycare related....
I did start doing yoga again this week.  This morning was my 3rd time this week. I'd like to get one more practice in this weekend, although I'm not totally sure how that will work out.  Because there is no way I'm waking up early in the morning tomorrow.  Maybe Sunday I suppose, but no way for tomorrow.

I have more to talk about with weight loss, but seriously I feel like its all that I ever have to say lately. Which is lame, because I weigh the same... if not more than I did when I started this yappin'.  So lame, I'm not going to write about it until I actually change some behaviors.  But I will say that I'm avoiding it like a crazy woman, but I'm almost completely positive that I need to get back into Core. Really.

My main reason for not doing that was the meal plan that I just purchased, but I canceled it today.  I'm praying they refund my money.  The meal plan was really pretty crappy.  Just nothing that we normally eat.  I think I'm going to make a meal plan for a month.  I'll have to work on that tomorrow.  After I pick up my library book.  Hopefully, they held it for me.  Please, Library Ladies... please have held my book one night past the hold expiration.

Thanksgiving Thursday

 Thanks to Elyse at Following Him for taking over Thanksgiving Thursdays.  I always find myself looking forward to blogging on Thursdays to reflect back over the week.  Its a great small group of women choosing to be grateful for life, I am honored to (occasionally) be a part of it.

My daughter seems to be out of diapers.  She's been day trained for a few months, but she seems to have given up night time diapers too.  Its bittersweet and lead to an entire post that will publish later this afternoon.  But I'm grateful to have such an awesome little girl.  I'm very proud of her. 

Swimming Lessons are over.  I'm grateful to my dear mother in law for sponsoring Ethan in the lessons.  He learned a lot and so did his dad and I.  Hubby and I learned about his learning tendencies, how he acts within a "classroom" and with a teacher.  Interesting talks.  Anyway, I'm glad we got to do them and I'm glad they are over. 

I got to spend a phenomenal few hours with just Ethan and I at the pool Friday afternoon.  I'm grateful for Hubby taking Emma because she was not happy with the pool. It was awesome to spend some time alone with my favorite son. 

My husband and I have been working on loosing weight the past couple of weeks and I'm grateful that he's allowing me space to do what works for me.  We are currently following different weight loss programs. (He's doing a modified Atkins and I'm doing WW).  Its been amazing to support each other and grow together.  We are both happy and we are both loosing weight.  And we are doing it together.

Thanksgiving Thursday

Its been a long time.

And I'm back with a new blog. Times change, I suppose.

I'm thankful for:

1. Diet Pepsi. Its been a long week.

2. Waking up early, before my kids wake up. Its been wonderful this week, having some quiet alone time before my day "starts".

3. Passing my pre-license home child care provider inspection. Yep, folks, at this point, all I have is background checks to go through. Then I'll be a licensed child care provider for up to 18 children.

4. Swimming Lessons for Ethan. He started the first week - slow to warm up to the teacher - but surprise. But this week, he's been having a great time. He went into the deep water today with his class and he's so proud of himself. I'm proud of him too.

5. Camping. I love being outside. Just sitting outside. Well, I love sitting outside when its not above 100*. We camped for the first time as a family on Friday night. We went with a good friend of mine, Dy and her family of five. It was a great trip. We are gearing up to camp Saturday night with a different family. I think we are all pretty excited.

Thanksgiving Thursday

I haven't been that great at participating in Thanksgiving Thursdays, although its generally my favorite of the week. Thursdays just tend to slip right on by without me noticing, having me kick myself in the bum on Friday.

Anyway, on to my list. :)

1. My Husband. We have grown together so much in the past 6-7 months particularly, since he was laid off from Clark County in September. We've been through up and downs in the last (almost) 8 years of our marriage, but despite the outside difficult circumstances of the last year; we have really had a good marriage year.

2. I had a wonderful birthday. I know this will sound vain, but I love my birthday. It is a day that holds so much happiness for me. I hope I never dread it, or getting older. You know, age gracefully and all that jazz.

3. My Kids, who bring me such joy. Here is a couple of pics from the morning of my birthday. Ethan really understood what it meant that it was my birthday and it was so fun to watch him celebrate.

4. While I love them together, we had very special things take place this week separately. I'm thankful for Ethan. He is a wonderful, caring, fun loving little boy. We went on a mommy-son date yesterday and went to see the movie Earth. At times, it was too much for my little guy to process, but he was enchanted by watching the animals and learning. On another note, he's also learned to pee outside, so we have wet rocks quite often around here.

Sometimes, I still think of Ethan like this:

That's Ian's cheek/jaw giving a sleepy Ethan a kiss. Ethan was probably less than a week old here.

5. And my baby girl Emma. Who is not such a baby anymore. We are actually done nursing. Its been 5 or so days, and she is doing very well. Its a bittersweet time for me. Happy that she's growing and so beautiful and sad that she's growing up. I know, I said growing twice - that makes me happy and sad.

And I still think of Emma like this:


(I know, the year is off... she was born in 2007) But the rest of the day is correct, Emma is 5 days old here.

6. My husband's openness in talking about having a third kiddo. I know it freaks him out, and I consider myself lucky that we are willing and able to discuss it without getting angry. And I think we are close to reaching an agreement in my favor. (But don't tell Ian that, I don't want him to hold out to prove he's right. But look what a great daddy he is. He really is amazing)