The waiting...

We've never tried to conceive before.

Yes, we have two kids.  Essentially, they were both spur of the moment, I'm not on birth control, but maybe we should have a baby/or another baby, so let's get busy anyway, babies.

Even my last pregnancy, that ended in miscarriage, was this way in some sense. 

I've never looked for signs of ovulation with any real interest.  I've never taken my basal body temperature for more than about 3 days in a row.  I've never ever waited on pins and needles to take a pregnancy test.  All three positive pregnancy tests in my short adult life have typically been.  Hmm... aunt flow isn't here, maybe I'm pregnant. I suppose I should test.  Bam.

So, as you might imagine, after only two short months of actually TRYING to make another beautiful child... I'm ready to run for the hills.

The constant cervical checks.  The temping.  Yes, I've been temping.  Yes, every.single.morning my alarm goes off and I reach for the snooze, and pick up the thermometer on the way.  Then what happens?  I log into Fertility Friend and put in my temp. Which leads me to spending at least about 30 minutes browsing through "charts like mine".  Hoping to find some evidence in my temps that I'm pregnant.

I'm going insane.  I've been waiting on pins and needles to test for days.  Knowing that 6 days past ovulation was too early.  Seriously though, it was all I could think of. Now at 12 days - I'm just waiting for my period as my pregnancy test was stark-white-negative.

Add that to the near constant thought of every symptom under the sun of early pregnancy and whether they apply to me at that given moment.  Its exhausting.  My breasts hurt, am I peeing a lot??.... Hmm I'm really tired and on and on and on.

The roller coaster of TTC is absolutely and completely effin' ridiculous. I just can't help thinking --- its not supposed to BE like this.

Its not supposed to be a stressful journey.  In fact, I don't want to look back on conception and remember that it was more of a I'm-ovulating-so-jump-on than a I-love-my-husband kind of night.

A month ago, I was convinced that I would just let things happen.  Then Aunt Flow showed up and was awfully mean. And I was sad and let down..... and I started thinking that whatever I did - the ends would justify the means.

And after temping and charting and checking my cervical mucus - I'm not convinced that the ends will justify the means. I'm not convinced at all.  Yet, I went through all that trouble and heartache and insanity.  All that obsession. For nothing.

I don't know what my plan is for next cycle/month.  I'm pretty sure that it won't include fertilityfriend.com  I'm pretty sure it won't include temping.  I just don't know.  More to come, I'm sure.  There is more to think about.

Family Portraits

Last weekend we had family portraits taken by Veronica of Photography by Veronica.  They came out amazing.  We are very thankful to have a great family picture. Here's a few favorites.

Quail Camping Trip Family Picture

We had a fabulous time camping at Quail Lake at the end of May.  Obviously, its been a while but here is the cutest family picture that we could muster.

Kolob Camping Trip

Our family headed up to Kolob Reservior the weekend of August 6-8 for the SECOND Annual Camping trip.  We joined many family and we all had a fantastic time, despite the rain.

We shared s'mores, yummy dutch oven dinners, a few rainstorms and good conversation around the fire.  I found myself rowing a canoe.  That was an experience after my previous icky experiences on boats.  I also spread out my yoga mat and had a beautiful time with a bit of yoga outside.

Here are a few of my favorite shots from the weekend.

The Re-Hash

So, here we go.

And really, it wasn't so much a crummy day, as just a crummy phone call.

It was just a semi-normal phone call from my dad.

Who hasn't been an exactly emotionally or physically available, let alone thrilled to father a child - sort of dad.

You know the kind, divorced from the mother, toxic to the family, involved enough to make it hurt, but not enough to actually have a real positive influence.

That's my dad. Or maybe I should say, sperm donor, because its the biggest positive contribution that he made to my life. Until I was 18 and he helped pay for my partial college education. But now I'm hoping that he never finds this, because I have a feeling being called a sperm donor might hurt his feelings.

And he called Thursday around noon, somewhat inebriated. Thursday at noon - really? First, that's not a great time to call a stay/work at home mom and expect her full undivided attention. Second, drunk at noon? I can't make this up, folks.

Some people call this drunk dialing. I should have hung up then. See, these drunk phone calls used to originate around 10 p.m. I stopped answering the phone when he'd call after 8.

(I should say - its not like this happens every other week... we are talking about 4-5 phone calls a year for the past 10 years or so. Total - that's total phone calls... the drunk ones are only about 50% of that.)

The conversation steered where it always does during these reoccurring drunk phone calls... to his relationship with my mother.

"I love your mother, I loved her when we were married and I love her now", he says.

Hmm, well that's good to know. I'm glad that you have love for the mother of your only [somewhat-estranged] child. I'm fairly certain the feeling isn't mutual.

And if you still love my mother - whom divorced you more than 25 years ago - why are you married to your current wife? Does she know that every time you get sloshed, you call your daughter to rehash your relationship with your ex-wife?

I can't imagine she'd be pleased.

The conversation goes on like this for a few minutes. Really. I don't know why I don't just hang up. I guess I'm still stuck in that I want his approval. Like I'm twelve.

And then the conversation takes a horrible turn. He starts talking about sex.with.my.mother.

Who does that?

Really?

Does ANYONE else's father find that appropriate?

Seriously?

Deep Breath. I can't believe I just posted that on my blog.

Ugh. I steered the conversation elsewhere, as fast as I could, dealing with an extremely drunk & emotional 55 year old man.

Turns out, that's a bit harder than it sounds.

Eventually, I had to answer another call from my husband because his new work truck had broken down and he needed to be picked up.

The whole call was almost two hours. Ridiculous.

I'm still sort of in shock I guess. I was very upset after the call and Ian was running around trying to get his truck fixed. At the end of the day, he brought home dinner and flowers, potted flowers (even better, huh ladies?).

There is no good way to end this post. I have no end to these thoughts. I just keep trying to remind myself that people make the best choices available to them at the time.

To Post or Not to Post?

I posted on facebook a couple of days ago that I had a crummy day... family drama and all.

I've been debating on posting this since then.

On one hand, I want to. Maybe someone else is dealing with the same thing - and wouldn't feel so alone if I did.

On the other hand, I don't want to be so open about my.... um.... issues.

And at the same time as all of this, my mom reads this blog. The crummy day isn't secret, but it does in fact, have to do with her, and I don't know if I want to rock the boat.

And, as if I actually needed to go on with my excuses, this blog doesn't feel like the right venue. It still feels like its supposed to be a professional place. Beside the fact that for all intents and purposes - my business is basically closed. I have so little inventory at this point, that I could easily find a few good homes for what's left. Its truly not much.

But if I actually want to let that part of this blog go, I guess I need to get personal, huh? Feel free to unsubscribe now. Its coming.