Tuesday

Monday, after my u/s my doctor recommended that I have a shot of rhogam.  I left without the injection as I wanted to be sure it was needed.  Before needlessly spending the money and getting the awful feeling medication.

After doing some research Monday night, I determined two things.  1.) rhogam was not given after 1st trimester miscarriages due to actual evidence, only anecdotal evidence. 2.) I was getting it anyway.

Not the expected path after research, I know.

So, yesterday after I took my oldest DC kid to school, I headed to my doc's office for rhogam.  And a blood test to make sure that I hadn't already created an rh antigen in the past. Since I was getting my blood drawn, I also opted for an hcg test.

My hcg level was under 1000. Not necessarily conclusive, but evidence to my theory that my little bean stopped growing about 10 days before the bleeding started. Somehow, that's giving me peace.

And I don't have any lasting rh issues, of course.

Last night before I went to sleep I told my husband how I felt about future pregnancies and children.  Pretty much the same as I have for the past couple years.

I still want to have another child. Finding out I was pregnant only cemented this for me.  Losing the baby cemented my feelings even more. I don't want to go through this miscarriage for nothing and I guess I feel like if I get pregnant again that it won't be.

However, that being said. I'm also no longer interested in spending lots more time in this will we/won't we space. If we aren't going to have another baby (because my husband doesn't want to) then I want to move forward with purpose.  With healing and letting go and no more second guessing or doubt or whatever.  So, I told my husband that I wanted to make a decision by the end of the year.  I didn't say this out loud but: If we are still in conflict, I'll let go and allow him to get snipped.

Spending another few years wanting another child and not seems worse than not having another baby and being able to let go and move on.

But. How can he say no? After everything that's happened. How can he say no?