Sunday, November 28, 2010

Please remember this is my journal. .. ..

Wow.  Heartbreaking.  I finally had the conversation that I've been avoiding with Ian.  It went horribly wrong.

He's still in the same position - he doesn't want more kids.  Not really shocking, but definitely not what I wanted to hear.

The whole pregnancy seems to far away.  Seems like years ago.  I can't believe it was just a week ago.

I wanted to get pregnant for so long.  3 years.  I can't even begin to describe how happy I was when I found out.  My grief and sorrow feels insurmountable. Thursday was Thanksgiving and I couldn't help but feeling down.  I felt like I should be so thankful for what I have -- but that's not actually how I felt.  I felt sorry for myself.

And really, that really sucks.  I hate feeling sorry for myself. 

Now I'm at this place.... I have to give up this thought.  This dream of wanting more kids. Or I'm going to lose my husband.  I guess either way, its over.  I'm not having more kids.  Either I can keep pushing my husband, which isn't going to bring us out of conflict ---  its going to bring us to divorce.

But how can I mesh all of these things together? My husband doesn't want to "come to my rescue" and swallow his wants for mine.  He simply doesn't want more kids.

So to stay married --- I have to give up this part of me.  I don't even know how to do that at this point.  3 month ago -- before the pregnancy and miscarriage -- I felt like I could have.  But now? 

How am I supposed to give that part up now that I've been through all of this?

How am I supposed to honor myself, honor him and move forward with my life?

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