Its 2 a.m. in the morning. I'm sitting here in the office writing this. (In a notebook, that I'm now typing into this post) Trying to make sense of all these feelings. I've been crying for almost 30 minutes. I feel like if I just cry, if I just give myself time to grieve, that I'll be OK.
There are so many emotions running through me right now. First - foremost - crushing sadness. I feel so lost. I'm angry. I'm resentful. I'm regretful. I'm regretful that I'm not *that* mom, that wonderful, beautiful, always cheerful mom. So Ian would be tempted - no not tempted - Ian would look at me with the kids and think - I want to have more kids with that woman. I get so sucked in and start thinking that if he loved me more that he would want more kids, like I do.
I can't accept that he just doesn't want more because he's happy with what we have. I'm happy with what we have - that's the reason i want more. Its got to be because he's UNhappy that he doesn't really want more.
I used to think it was about money. Clearly its not. Its not about money. It doesn't matter if I work my ass off doing daycare 60 hours a week to get us out of debt. Its still going to be a NO. There is absolutely nothing I can do to change this. I have been thinking all along that if I just work, if I get us out of debt that he'll agree to have another baby. No, its painfully clear. That is not going to happen.
I need to move past this. I need to get over this. I need to move on with my life. I can't hold onto having another baby. I have to let it go. I don't want to be resentful for the rest of our lives. I don't want another child more than I want to be married. Ian's right - I *am* the one that changed. I used to want two kids. Why can't I be there now? How do I turn this off?
We are done having kids. My beautiful children are growing up. Its bittersweet. Beautiful, but bittersweet.