Tuesday, June 16, 2009

2 a.m. Tuesday

Its 2 a.m. in the morning. I'm sitting here in the office writing this. (In a notebook, that I'm now typing into this post) Trying to make sense of all these feelings. I've been crying for almost 30 minutes. I feel like if I just cry, if I just give myself time to grieve, that I'll be OK.

There are so many emotions running through me right now. First - foremost - crushing sadness. I feel so lost. I'm angry. I'm resentful. I'm regretful. I'm regretful that I'm not *that* mom, that wonderful, beautiful, always cheerful mom. So Ian would be tempted - no not tempted - Ian would look at me with the kids and think - I want to have more kids with that woman. I get so sucked in and start thinking that if he loved me more that he would want more kids, like I do.

I can't accept that he just doesn't want more because he's happy with what we have. I'm happy with what we have - that's the reason i want more. Its got to be because he's UNhappy that he doesn't really want more.

I used to think it was about money. Clearly its not. Its not about money. It doesn't matter if I work my ass off doing daycare 60 hours a week to get us out of debt. Its still going to be a NO. There is absolutely nothing I can do to change this. I have been thinking all along that if I just work, if I get us out of debt that he'll agree to have another baby. No, its painfully clear. That is not going to happen.

I need to move past this. I need to get over this. I need to move on with my life. I can't hold onto having another baby. I have to let it go. I don't want to be resentful for the rest of our lives. I don't want another child more than I want to be married. Ian's right - I *am* the one that changed. I used to want two kids. Why can't I be there now? How do I turn this off?

We are done having kids. My beautiful children are growing up. Its bittersweet. Beautiful, but bittersweet.


  1. Hey Cous,
    I just finished a book called "the paradox of Choice." One of the things it talks about is how we typically think of how much happier we would be and how much better things would be if we had something we didn't or did something else and typically this thinking makes us very unhappy. What we don't do is think about how much worse things could have been, which surprisingly makes us happy when we do it and more grateful for what we do have. Think about if you hadn't been able to have either of your beautiful children. It might not feel like much consolation but it might be a positive reflective process.
    Besides your children are so wonderful, statistics would point to the third being an absolute terror.

  2. That is a very good point - about the statistics. Its one of Ian's best. :) Although, most of my friends have at least 3 children, and they don't have the same statistics going on, but its arguable that I would.

    Really, after this week, I think my desire for more children is largely biological. So I'm finding myself in a new place where I'm going to be trying out acknowledging the feelings when they arrive and then letting them go. Similar to hormonally PMS-y feelings. Anyway. I might look into that book. I'm still trying to find a library copy of the Sync book that you just read, it sounds amazing. I might end up buying it, we'll see. (I get your goodreads.com updates)