Thursday, January 20, 2011

The waiting...

We've never tried to conceive before.

Yes, we have two kids.  Essentially, they were both spur of the moment, I'm not on birth control, but maybe we should have a baby/or another baby, so let's get busy anyway, babies.

Even my last pregnancy, that ended in miscarriage, was this way in some sense. 

I've never looked for signs of ovulation with any real interest.  I've never taken my basal body temperature for more than about 3 days in a row.  I've never ever waited on pins and needles to take a pregnancy test.  All three positive pregnancy tests in my short adult life have typically been.  Hmm... aunt flow isn't here, maybe I'm pregnant. I suppose I should test.  Bam.

So, as you might imagine, after only two short months of actually TRYING to make another beautiful child... I'm ready to run for the hills.

The constant cervical checks.  The temping.  Yes, I've been temping.  Yes, every.single.morning my alarm goes off and I reach for the snooze, and pick up the thermometer on the way.  Then what happens?  I log into Fertility Friend and put in my temp. Which leads me to spending at least about 30 minutes browsing through "charts like mine".  Hoping to find some evidence in my temps that I'm pregnant.

I'm going insane.  I've been waiting on pins and needles to test for days.  Knowing that 6 days past ovulation was too early.  Seriously though, it was all I could think of. Now at 12 days - I'm just waiting for my period as my pregnancy test was stark-white-negative.

Add that to the near constant thought of every symptom under the sun of early pregnancy and whether they apply to me at that given moment.  Its exhausting.  My breasts hurt, am I peeing a lot??.... Hmm I'm really tired and on and on and on.

The roller coaster of TTC is absolutely and completely effin' ridiculous. I just can't help thinking --- its not supposed to BE like this.

Its not supposed to be a stressful journey.  In fact, I don't want to look back on conception and remember that it was more of a I'm-ovulating-so-jump-on than a I-love-my-husband kind of night.

A month ago, I was convinced that I would just let things happen.  Then Aunt Flow showed up and was awfully mean. And I was sad and let down..... and I started thinking that whatever I did - the ends would justify the means.

And after temping and charting and checking my cervical mucus - I'm not convinced that the ends will justify the means. I'm not convinced at all.  Yet, I went through all that trouble and heartache and insanity.  All that obsession. For nothing.

I don't know what my plan is for next cycle/month.  I'm pretty sure that it won't include  I'm pretty sure it won't include temping.  I just don't know.  More to come, I'm sure.  There is more to think about.

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