“No one can force a warring heart upon us. When our hearts go to war, we ourselves have chosen it.”
((This diagram was taken from another website, I don't know anyone named Kent. But the concept is still the same. ))
In the past, in learning about emotional growth and behavior modification, I learned the concept of accountability: the ability to account for the choices that I made. I consider myself an accountable person, I believe that I live my life from the perspective that I make my own choices rather than believing that others made them for me. I do not play the role of the victim, nor do I take blame for choices that others own.
That being said, the concept of the accountability was always behavior based for me; very much about the choice I made outwardly. I'm no stranger to a little introspection, it usually wasn't accompanied with accountability like looking at my outward choices and behaviors.
The key in The Anatomy of Peace, is that our way of being trumps our behavior. This extended in my mind very quickly to: I'm not only accountable for my outward behavior, I'm accountable for my heart or my inward way of being. Just as I am accountable for losing my keys, I'm accountable for my heart being at war with my husband over our conflict.
The choice to betray the sense, to betray myself is a choice to go to war. Once I betray myself, then I automatically start looking for justifications. Its here, in the box, that my perceptions go askew. I need to justify my self-betrayal, by justifying my view of the other person that I've chosen to see as an object. The next sections of the book explains the common ways that people are in their box.
These boxes were overwhelming at first. I saw myself in each of them at different times or with different people. I think that's partly the point, however. That we use any way that we can to justify our betrayal. Once we are in the box we want to stay there. I see myself the most often lately in the worse-than box. I find myself jealous, bitter and feeling hopeless. I often say that life is hard and that once you accept it, its easier. That all seems so sad in retrospect.
What I really appreciate about the boxes, especially lining them up like this, is that I can pinpoint my box easily by taking a look at what feelings I'm experiencing. Once I can identify that, it seems like the rest of the box just fits the situation and circumstance.