All growth is not based on learning. Sometimes, we must un-learn.
When I actually went and read through my seminar homework recently I was surprised to recall that the first belief that I wrote about was "lazy and fat". This isn't a belief that I would have dealt with in the program, believing it to be too surface and superficial.
So, should I shocked that this belief is present in my life today? Not really, no. Why not? Because that which is not acted upon is not learned.
I make choices all.the.time to make myself right about this belief. I make the decision that these words can describe me, choices that make these words somewhat accurate. At least, that's what my belief asserts. When I choose to sleep in and not exercise. When I choose to eat food that I know is unhealthy for my body. Or when I choose to eat when I'm not hungry. When I choose to eat to handle stress. Or sadness.
So the question I guess becomes, now that I cannot deny that these actions, these choices are playing into my limiting beliefs. Now that I know I'm choosing to be right about this belief, over being happy. Because I'm not happy with my body. My size saddens me, often. Obviously, its not enough to wish that I was smaller. Healthier. Whatever. I know that I actually need to choose to change these thoughts, attitudes and beliefs.
The bottom line however has nothing to do with this belief that the choices that I am making about it. I was gifted a new perspective on this last night. Last night, I was able to see that the belief that I'm "lazy and fat" is SUPERFICIAL. The belief that I'm not good enough, that I'm less than everyone else --- that creates a belief such as lazy and fat. I set out to make myself bigger than my peers because that is a concrete result to prove that I'm not good enough. As a concrete way to say "See?????, they are better than me"
Taking a step back, I know that I'm "good enough". And as a side note, I really intend to find a more accurate way of saying "good enough", because I don't its just doesn't actually articulate the energy and emotion. Anyway... I know that I'm "good enough" in my mind, body and soul. I however, haven't applied that knowledge, love and respect for myself to my body/weight/eating issues before. Rudimentary, perhaps... but the truth nonetheless.
So... this should be easy peasy. Starting from now. My eating, health, sleep and exercise decisions come from a place of love for myself. Patterns and habits may take time to change, but the immediate change is the love behind them. My body is amazing. I may not like its shape. But its mine for life. Its given two beautiful children life, nourishment and love. Beyond that, its my vehicle for life. I deserve to be treated with love and respect. I deserve to treat myself with love and respect.
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