Thursday, March 25, 2010

Am I Trustworthy?

The short answer is no.  I'm really not.

I'm reliable.  If I say I'll be somewhere, I'll be there.  Albeit, 10-15 minutes late.  But I show up.

I'm dependable.  If you have a problem, you can depend on me to listen empathetically.

But I'm not really trustworthy.  I was at one point in my journey.  I've definitely stepped off that path.  In honor of comfortability.  I'd rather not rock the boat.

I lie.  I hold back things I want to say.  I censor myself. I have the thoughts, but I don't allow them a voice.  I lie to get myself out of situations.

Want me to babysit?  On a weekday night?  Weekend?  Probably gonna make up some crap rather than tell you that I'm done with other people's kids by the evening and sure as hell by the weekend.  Sure as hell, I'm not going to say... no I need a break.

I want to dismiss a kid from my daycare... did I explain to the mom that it was because of her child's behavior?  Nope, didn't wanna rock the boat.  Lied to her.

I lie to my husband about money.  I'm "trying" to get better, but still get sorta sneaky sometimes.... pedicure anyone?  I hold things back from my husband.  Things I want to say.  Things that bother me.  I lie to my friends.  Sorry, girls... sometimes I deliberately bit my tongue.  Particularly during the drama.  My drama, your drama.  Our drama.  I love you for it, but damn.  I just don't want to rock the boat.

Trustworthy?  Do I trust myself?  That's another conversation I suppose. I struggle with being OK with making decisions.  From small like where to eat dinner... to big like what to major in for college. I don't frequently make decisions by myself.

I'm trustworthy.  I don't hate confrontation.  I'm not a doormat.  I think the holding back is a 180 shift from leaving the program... when I went from giving feedback all.the.time to having it be pretty much generally inappropriate all.the.time.

Am I a liar?  Why do I feel its necessary to lie to my husband about money.  Holy hell, I'm making at least 50% of our income right now.  I should not feel guilty for getting a pedicure right before a close friend has a baby.  (But she's not my Best Friend.... because we don't do that around here. hahaha   Erm.. inside joke.)  I should not feel guilty buying some shirts when my wardrobe is crap. Ugh.  I think I need to look more into this. I think this is more than not wanting to rock the boat.  I think this is worthiness stuff.  Lame-O.

This post doesn't have to be epically long... the point is clear.  No journaling needed.  Change?  Change is needed. I  just need to come to the middle again, to come into my voice, my power.  Consciously.

And I'll stop there before this starts to sound too cheesy.

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